Family quarrels are bitter things. They don't go according to any rules. They're not like aches or wounds; they're more like splits in the skin that won't heal because there's not enough material.
I am not gonna lie. My heart has been extremely heavy for quite sometime. There have been some really serious events that have taken place in my family, that I am still trying to piece it all together. I am not going to divulge too much information, out of respect for those who, these life altering events have affected. I just need to be able to channel the pain and frustration that I am feeling. In my attempt to heal, I have talked about feelings, but I haven't written them down. So here's to the next step in the healing process.
I am still so angry and hurt by someones selfish-ness. I have tried so hard to help them help themselves. But I completely failed in my attempt. I still question myself why did this happen? how did this happen? why won't they let me help them get better? when is enough-enough? Am I horrible for putting my foot down and not tolerating it? Am I horrible because I have to separate myself from it all? Is that the last time I will see them? I am tormented in thinking that it's not if, it's when? Aside from my feelings, I see the anguish that has stricken other member's of my family because of these events. My heartaches. There is no answer. There is no manual or book. I really wish that there was. Someones written words of wisdom would be cathartic. But seeing since I haven't found anything of the sort, I rely on music. This song sums it all up for me.
Lapse
Envy on the Coast
The road turned into a snake
It looked in my veins and said
"It's in your blood"
That's when I tried to run
But it was way too dark
Got scared and ran into your arms
Oh, sweet chemical predicament
Can't stop, can't change the evident
Predisposed to forget the best part
The story where the hero dies without regard
Made sure that the needle is clean
When I let myself fall asleep
And all I kept was a piece of your picture
It slipped from my fingers
When I slid into my dreams
It's not as deep as it seems
And unfair as it may be
I'm just here to remind you
Remind you not to forget to remember me
I know you know how it feels
To make a clean break
My bones are your bones
My home is your home
You must be so confused
I got scared and ran away from you
Oh, sweet divine predicament
I can't hide, I can't change the evident
Redisposed to trust a photograph
To portray the way you used to laugh
Do you recall the day you wed?
Such a radiant bride
You couldn't wait to see your first born
Take his very first steps
Then you smiled at him
'Cause you thought he looked like me
It's not as deep as it seems
And unfair as it may be
I'm just here to remind you
Remind you not to forget to remember me
Now that I've dodged your questions so much
I don't possess the strength to answer straight
And no, I'm not afraid
At least not to die
I'm afraid to live and not remember why
Sweet chemical indifference
I can't stop, can't change the evidence
Predisposed to perpetual sickness
I refuse to let you all be witness
Make the sure the needle is clean
When you let me go back to sleep
And situate the piece of her picture
Underneath my fingers
It protects me in my dreams
It's not as deep as it seems
And unfair as it may be
I'm just here to remind you
Remind you not to forget to remember me
